September 21st, 2019

Acceptance: Feeling More like myself

I said I would come back and speak you based on my last post, but I honestly forgot I even wrote the post! I'll blame the pregnancy brain. :) I am now going on 5 months and we are having a baby girl. I feel a lot of peace, but there has been this one thing that has been a recurring theme in my spirit. ACCEPTANCE. What is all of this about acceptance you may ask? Well, I realize so much in my life I have never been able to accept what is truly happening right now. There is always this extreme focus on the future or a focus on the past.

When I was sick earlier in my pregnancy all I could think about was my last pregnancy and how it wasn't this bad. My pain was trying to put me in the now, but I thought by trying to think positive thoughts and deny it, it would eventually go away. I thought though the doc gave me a diagnosis for my health issues along with me being pregnant that somehow I could think my way out of it the pain. During that time of trying to deny my current health situation, I realized that nothing was working so I started back meditating. Sure, I fell off a bit....ok a lot from sitting and hearing. I was rushing the process, but why in all things there is a journey, why rush? In the material world we have nothing but time. Time may not exist in the ethereal world but that is not where we mainly reside in this now moment.

My body was calling me to pay attention to it, love on it, release the shame and guilt of my past, release the shame & guilt of my now. I realized in my silence that a part of me knew I deserved the love and peace I have now but another part of me felt guilty for it because I'm not who I have envisioned myself to be at this point in my life. The ironic part is many of the things I said I wanted to do by 30 I am actually experiencing, just not in the way that I thought I would. It's like we pray for things and then when we get it, we don't recognize or appreciate the circumstances we have that made what we desire possible. Speaking for self, I know I've put in much self work, but when I am not expressing myself fully I feel stagnant, I feel worthless, I feel like I'm hiding. My book would have been finished but I was fearful, shameful and I was hiding. Why? I have been afraid of how others will receive my words, the pain of the possible backlash, the ability of peoples words to stick to my mental like glue having to work extra hard to scrub it off. My grandmother asked for a copy of my book and while I said out loud of course you will get a copy, I know how religious my family is and I know how non religious this book title is. Don't F*ck Yourself, Love Yourself. Ok, grandma, I got you lol. But there goes that shame, the shame of stepping into who I see myself to be, I have the bricks laid, the foundation, the building, the blueprint, all I need to do is show up to present it but instead I choose to by default experience the pain of not showing up to avoid the possibility of a future pain that may never happen.

​The pain our bodies experience is not just about our body, it is about our spiritual warfare and mental blocks. It is calling for us to accept where we are so we can look at where we are. If you cant accept the truth of a situation, there is no way you can begin to be open for solutions. Many of us spend our lives in denial of the truth because once we face it, then we would have to do something about it. However, you will have to face it one way or another because guess what? It will manifest in our body and/or in our experience. It will create pain for us and unless you are a masochist, you don't want to feel that pain; you will try to do everything to rid yourself of that pain.

Many of us think ignoring it and keep going, do what you gotta do regardless, don't show our weakness, prove we can push through, prove we can go on no matter the circumstances, no matter the struggle,mama said I ain't bleeding so I'll be alright, people will respect us more for it, versus sitting around wallowing in pity, feeling sorry for ourselves, sleeping life away, giving up cause the going gets tough, not doing what it takes, etc. The reality doesnt really look like that. Those are filters and conditions our subconscious was programmed with by those around us and what we think others expect from us.

What is real is that your body is experiencing pain so you can acknowledge your now. Yes, when our muscles are hurting it means we are getting stronger, however it doesnt mean we have to be in pain, we can stretch or do yoga and get massages and rest those muscles and that pain starts to minimize and our workouts can become more intense and now we can get closer to meeting our goal because we have faced the initial pain head on. Its game time. What did you have to do to rid that pain? You had to accept yes, I've been working hard so now I must give my muscles the attention it needs and I also must rest. There is no guilt or shame in resting your muscles because that's just how it is. If I want to be stronger, healthier, leaner, or more energized this is what I have to do. Why is it any different in our lives. Why do we feel guilty for resting, giving ourselves the time and self care we need to go on? The muscles we are activating is our spiritual muscle, we are taught the physical aspects but not the mental & spiritual aspects. We arent taught how to identify and diagnose a spiritual or mental warfare on our own. Instead of denying it because we dont know consciously, we must ask ourselves what am I resisting? What truth about myself am I resisting? I realized I was not accepting the simplest truth which was I am experiencing a thing right now. The second part was, I'm not accepting that I still have this inner issue to deal with. I was disappointed that all of the counseling and Therapy, Hypnotherapy, Reiki, and my connection to Great Spirit was not enough to keep me healed from this. I couldn't understand how I was such a good person and I do right by people but still end up in "negative" predicaments all rooted in the same issue. I thought once I "fixed" myself or healed then I was good, there would be a new issue to face, but nooo everytime I think I'm healed I realize that a lot of the shit is still hiding under the toilet seat. I got rid of a lot of it but there are still traces.

So, what now? There is nothing else to do but keep cleaning. I keep cleaning, but I can only do it properly if I'm looking at it, I can't expect it to get clean by looking away and scrubbing at the same time. That's what writing and meditation does for me. It helps me look at my shit and tells me how to deal with it. I may not always have the answer but I do know I must accept that the shit is there and my hand and cleaning tool will be guided by the ultimate cleaner on exactly where to go to clean. I must take action on my part though. I cant just look at it and expect it to get clean nor can I go to a fellow healer and ask them to clean it for me. What happens if they clean it and then the build up comes back? You won't recognize it when it starts to build early and you won't know how to clean so you will always have to depend on another to clean for you.

​I'm now completing the formatting phase of my book about to finish my book cover and send it off to publishing. I'm coming out of the closet, no longer hiding, facing a hurdle that I am looking forward to jumping over open to and appreciating in advance the rainbows and stars aligning with my jump!